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 Sad developments last month

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mejoshee

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Age : 32
Location : Campbell, CA
Registration date : 2013-05-31

PostSubject: Sad developments last month   Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:12 pm

I promise this isn't a troll. I've been wanting to do this and I think it's time I put it out there.

It's not a vent or a complaint, just sorta telling it like it is and how I've felt throughout recent events. Sorry about the long post, but I hope through this you get to know me a little better. I think of this forum as a better community than I have at work or even with some friends, though I haven't met any in person (yet). I appreciate it if you read this at all, let alone the whole thing. Comments are appreciated, but not necessary.

Anyway, here goes:

For the last couple years I'd been hoping my wife and I could have a baby. We've been married now 4 1/2 years, though I'd wanted to start sooner. She was more focused on her career up until this past year and there were some life milestones that we sort of used to push things out a bit. She's a nurse and the nursing system in our state has somehow seen a glut, despite what we've repeatedly been told about needing more nurses.

I have no problem with women's career prioritization. I recognize that it's hard sometimes for a guy to fully appreciate the sacrifice a woman has to make physically, emotionally, and vocationally to bear a child. I wanted to be helpful and supportive to whatever she was hoping to accomplish "before the baby comes", as they say. My mom went on "permanent maternity" leave after my sister was born until we were in middle school, so I see that this is definitely a full-time commitment.

We'd been using birth control (IUD) up until earlier this year. Following our trip to Europe a year ago, she had it removed. Then it was a matter of waiting and timing. I didn't realize it was going to be so much about waiting after growing up being warned how easily one could get pregnant. Finally in August we were pretty confident we were, so she got a blood test and scheduled an appointment to follow up with the results. We were! But, the ultrasound results were a little bit off, a little early by the doctor's estimation. We had to come back in 2 weeks.

Fast forward a bit and we'd told our families and some close friends to keep them in the loop of what we were estimating was about 5-7 weeks in. I left early that day from work to make it to the appointment. Going into the check up that afternoon I think we were both pretty positive and not really expecting anything out of the ordinary, but it turns out the size of the embryo had really not increased all that much, still estimating at 6 weeks or less. No heartbeat. I know my heart dropped as it began to register, but then I also realized how much quicker my wife's reaction had been. She burst into tears and squeezed my hand.

Perhaps this is the maternal instinct, but it certainly seemed to confirm the trouble we'd had with trying to pick out some good name options, trying to imagine a boy or girl, what he/she would look like. These were all mysteries to us and we were simply waiting and hoping for a clearer projection of an ultrasound to truly settle on who they might be. But, it wasn't meant to be I guess. It was a miscarriage.

The things people don't tell you right off the bat when you start trying is the high frequency of miscarriages. Of course not; that's putting the cart before the horse. It's not as easy as it seems. It's something like 20% of pregnancies are miscarriages, but statistics don't matter when you're emotionally invested in something. You look at that number and say "it's not gonna be me. It can't be."

My wife and I went home and cried the rest of the afternoon together in an odd sort of listlessness. Thoughts of what could have been swirling around--no first words, sports, days at school, little giggling. It was all quite much and made me feel like nothing else mattered any more. I tried to be strong for my wife too, but I felt more like we were just leaning on each other in a heap rather than in a strong mutual embrace. I'm an internal processor of thoughts and emotions, I don't deny that. But I also wanted to be present with her. I just didn't know what to do or think or feel. What is there to feel?

I went back to work the next day. She stayed home. She was told to take the pills for pain that the doctor gave her if necessary and if the miscarriage moved along on its own. Otherwise, she could use the pills that induced that. Not really given much thought put into pro-life vs. pro-choice as a personal stance until then, so I think I was a little surprised that she did end up taking the pills right away. I can understand she saw from a medical and practical perspective no point in carrying on with an unviable embryo. I still don't know how I really feel about it, but I'm not interested in a political/ethical discussion. At a personal level, I think I was a little disappointed I didn't have a more delineated mourning time. I don't resent her for it, but I think it's just another thing on top of the pile of helplessness I'd felt from the previous day at the doctor's.

We checked in with each other the next couple days, but didn't tell our family or friends until the following Monday. It seemed like such a short time had passed between when we had told them all and when we were forced to retract that all. Another 2 weeks went by and we didn't really talk about it. Life still moved on at its own rapid pace and we got caught up in weekend get togethers and the like. I think the hardest part for me was feeling like I didn't get the support I wanted. Our friends (especially the women) were were rapid in their support response. It was really great to see my wife was cared for. I don't know what to expect really as guys sorta just shrug and say "that sucks dude" and continue to sit in silence. So, here I am finally speaking up about what I've felt and been going through.

It's now been over a month and I honestly still don't know what to do in terms of grieving. I realize that's not all that much time. It's a single tick in a lifetime, but I just feel sort of stuck. I feel like the cruelest torture is the unaware yet incessant questions like "So, when are you going to have kids?" and "Are you trying to have kids yet?" This is of course a common expectation for people our age. It's just the burden to bear I suppose. I try to react with patience and civility, though it seems right now "not yet; soon" is all I can muster without choking up.

I'm not depressed per se, but I just feel uninspired and pretty low right now. I want to try again; it's all that we have to be able to move on from this painful time, but it's the waiting that we're uncomfortable with. We have no control over the monthly cycle and frequency. Unlike the way we view things as a society, you can't just pave it over and start fresh the next day. It really is a physical healing time, not just emotional.

This is where I'm at now. I want to keep going with life, to try again, but with a more sobered mind about the possibilities out there. I don't wish this on anyone no matter what age and whether you've had kids or not yet. But I have this hope in a greater plan. I feel like now is my chance to show and share the inner joy & peace I have despite the pain. Your prayers and advice are appreciated and I hope to have better news in the future, but I submit myself to the will of the One who is in control.

Thanks for your time and attention.
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Ocelot55

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Location : Columbus, OH
Registration date : 2012-03-28

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:27 pm

I'll be praying for you and the wife, Josh. Wish there was more I could do.
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Briar Spirit

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Age : 49
Location : England UK
Registration date : 2012-08-30

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 5:01 am

Now that is one of the hardest experiences to have to deal with in life, I feel so strongly for you and your wife, I've had a similar experience with my first daughter dying 2 weeks after birth, the inability to really grasp the reality of the situation is mind numbing, the sense of loss and the gaping void you are left with feel completely unmanageable and totally unbearable, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will heal in time. Just try to keep being strong for one another, you're still together which is the main thing my friend, in time when you are both ready to try again at least you will still be with one another to grant a new life to the world together.

Stay strong Buddy, I know it isn't easy but you can do it, I'm keeping you both in my thoughts.
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smg913

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Age : 30
Location : New Jersey
Registration date : 2013-01-27

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 6:49 am

I'm so sorry to hear this and wish you the best. Things will get better
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Puff Daddy
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Age : 53
Location : South of heaven
Registration date : 2007-12-09

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:05 am

I want to give you a little different perspective my friend, as it seems you are grieving for what might have been, not for what was.

It's likely that embryo never was anything but a failed episode. Never would have been anything, never was a potential child. As you said, 6 weeks in and pronounced unalive and not viable. Don't beat yourself up over something that never was. What happened was a biological hiccup and nobody had anything to do with it. Don't grieve over something that never was going to happen.

If you want to look at it from strictly a biological perspective, it didn't work, it never created anything. If you have a religious inclination, God moves in mysterious ways and Gods will is not always understood, but we have to trust in it.

When I was 24 years old I already had two children and my wife got pregnant again. We were broke and stressed out and both working too much, burning the candle at both ends. She quickly lost the baby. Of course it shook us both pretty badly. But, a few months later she again became pregnant and my beautiful daughter Jennifer, who I love with all my heart, came along. If my wife had not lost that prenancy a few months earlier Jennifer would not be here and the thought of that is unbearable. Things happen the way they're supposed to happen, whether you want to look at it from a biological perspective or a religious perspective. Understand that and move forward, and realize that, when you get to the place you want to be, you never would have gotten there without having endured the difficulties in your journey.


One last note. There are so many beautiful children already out there with nobody to love them. If it turns out that you and your wife cannot concieve your own, you can make an unwanted childs life amazing and productive. They live in an unloved and horribly dark world and you have the power to change that, and to enjoy parenthood at the same time.

Best to both of you, hope you find peace.

_________________
These are horrible times and all sorts of horrible people are prospering, but we must never let this disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to annoy and hinder them at every turn.
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Carlos
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Age : 60
Location : Chestnut, IL
Registration date : 2007-12-10

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:05 am

Time. Takes time. Be there for each other.

We didn't get as far along as you both got. Our sense of loss was different. We may have had a couple miscarries, but it was very early. Ours was accepting the fact that we were not having any kids and going on with our lives.

I can tell you all you want to know about the pills, the mood swings, the exams, the surgery to make sure everything was fine for her, the $4,000 a month shots that we did for a number of months. The final opportunity from a Catholic owned health insurance, called the GIFT procedure. Which means more surgery and it was a one-time shot, which we passed on.

And so much more. Don't try to place blame, or allow her to blame herself. These things happen frequently to many of us. I have been in the packed waiting rooms. The only time in all of that there wasn't a line to see someone, was because we lived just a bit too far from the hospital and I had to provide a sperm sample on the spot. They pointed out a handy bathroom and said "Go to it Big Boy!"

I also think, that the people we dealt with were mostly women doctors and nurses, and they were more supportive for her. I was just the sperm donor.


_________________


"Never turn your back on a Breen".
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Hiram-2011

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Age : 39
Location : Illinois
Registration date : 2012-03-23

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:17 am

I'll be praying for you both my friend.
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Fr_Tom

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Location : Diocese of Northern Indiana
Registration date : 2013-05-29

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:25 am

My heart goes out to you and your wife. My wife and I lost out first pregnancy, and it took the wind out of my sails in a way I could not really explain. It was harder for me to deal with in terms of grief than the deaths of my parents. People are in different places with the loss of a pregnancy, and I can't pretend to understand how you feel, but I understand that it can be very hard. FWIW, I did not get much comfort from anything but the habits of faith as I struggled with all this - it was a comfortable routine I think that reminded me gently that God loves us and has a plan. I will admit I was going through the motions for a bit.

Blessings... Tom
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scotties22

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Age : 36
Location : Missouri
Registration date : 2012-06-10

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 10:12 am

I'm sorry to hear about your loss Josh.

Almost 6 years ago my husband and I found out we were pregnant for the first time. It was a bit of a shock as it was unplanned and we were waiting until I was 30 (I was 27 at the time). Just to make sure I took 3 tests and my husband took one too (Mr. Scientific Mind needed to make sure the tests weren't faulty and reading "pregnant" all the time). After that it took us about 2 hours to be out of our minds excited.

Two weeks later we had our first doctors appointment. The ultrasound went well, but I wasn't the 8+ weeks we thought, I was only 4 weeks. How amazing to see that little black blip on the ultrasound screen and know that soon it would have a heartbeat.

Two weeks later I started cramping while I was at work. After going to the bathroom I called the doctor and was told to come immediately. They rushed me into the ultrasound tech. I knew what she was going to say, but hoped it wouldn't be the case. We had had a miscarriage. There really wasn't anything left as my body had reabsorbed most of the fetus. I was CRUSHED!!! Not only that, I was downtown (30 minutes from home) and alone. I had called my husband to tell him I was going to the doctor, but he was an hour across town on a jobsite. We decided that I would go by myself and call if I needed him to come.

After talking with the doctor I was sent home with the pills and painkillers. Coincidentally I don't see this as a pro life/choice decision. Merly a way to speed up the bodies natural process of dealing with a non-viable pregnancy and a way to avoid infection.

I did make it home although I sat in the parking garage for about an hour before I could drive. By the time I made it back my husband was pulling in the driveway. We "took care of business" the next day.....what a fun day that was, to say the least.

I have an aunt that had 12 miscarriages over the course or 5 years before she had my cousin. I KNEW the risks going in, but never believed it would happen to me. When she called me after she heard the first thing she said was "Make sure Heath talks to someone about this. Just because he is a man doesn't mean he isn't hurting." There were times over the next few weeks that I think he took it harder than I did. And, yes, it is amazing to hear how common these things are AFTER you have one yourself.

I tell you this so you know that you and your wife are not alone. It is a super sucky experience to live through.
Talk about it with your wife so that you both come to terms and are ready when the time comes to try again. It does get easier with time, but you will never forget about it. I don't think much about that first pregnancy any more (we have three kids now and I don't have time to think about a lot of things) but when I do it still hurts.

Call me if you need to, seriously.





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DrumsAndBeer

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Age : 45
Location : Northern, CA
Registration date : 2012-04-04

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 1:20 pm

Josh,

My sincerest condolences to you and your wife.

I have been where you're at. My wife and I lost who would have been our first child 11 years ago mid 2nd trimester. It was too heart breaking.

I feel for you.

Hang in there buddy and thanks for sharing.
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the rev

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Age : 51
Location : Oak View CA
Registration date : 2012-10-08

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 3:55 pm

Sorry brother my wife and I dealt with this twice. The pain is so bad I still tear up sometimes even though it's been twenty years. If you need to talk pm me and I will give you my number. Truly sorry man

rev
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fsu92john

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Age : 47
Location : Orlando, FL
Registration date : 2014-01-24

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Fri Oct 10, 2014 8:09 pm

Very sorry to hear about your loss, brother Crying or Very sad. My wife miscarried in her second pregnancy last year, so I have some sense of what you're going through. No one can say anything to make it feel better, but know that we are thinking of you.
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mejoshee

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Age : 32
Location : Campbell, CA
Registration date : 2013-05-31

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Sat Oct 11, 2014 12:21 am

I'm really grateful for you all here and there. You're a great bunch of folks and we appreciate the support!

I'm sorry to hear everyone's different tragedies too, but it seems your individual experiences have made you stronger and wiser. Thanks for the perspective.
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juanmedusa

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Age : 36
Location : Falls Church, Virginia
Registration date : 2013-07-06

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Tue Oct 21, 2014 2:11 pm

Thank you for sharing this. I will be thinking of you and your wife.
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Old Nate
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Age : 34
Location : Western PA
Registration date : 2014-08-27

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Wed Oct 22, 2014 10:35 am

Josh, I feel for you and your wife, and everyone else who has gone through this as well. When my wife was 8 weeks pregnant she called me from work at midnight (she's also a nurse) crying. She was bleeding excessively. I met her at the ER but that car ride I was a roller coaster of emotions. Fear for my baby, my wife, it was agony. Waiting for the doctor was awful, but prayers were answered... She had placenta previa, which is scary as well, but an answer to prayer. I only tell you this in case you and your wife experience something similar, so you're knowledgeable of different scenarios, unlike me at the time.

3 weeks ago my wife and I had our first baby, he is such a blessing, and I encourage you and your wife to have faith and be there for one another. You'll be in my prayers.
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idbowman

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Age : 35
Location : Painesville, OH
Registration date : 2011-12-19

PostSubject: Re: Sad developments last month   Wed Oct 22, 2014 11:15 am

Josh -

I know where you are, buddy. After eight years of trying, compounded by some medical issues on my wife's side, we remain childless and have begun to accept that that may remain our lot in life. During those eight years, we have had two episodes very similar to what you've experienced. Go back and read Puff Daddy's response - that's exactly how we've come to look at it. Being so incredibly early in the pregnancy with absolutely no viability ever in question, it has been easier to view it as a "pregnancy that almost took" rather than a "pregnancy that failed." I realize how crass this could seem to some, but in our mind we try to view those as the closest we've been to a success rather than the most heart-wrenching failure. That takes time and effort to make happen, but it pays dividends where your long-term well-being is concerned.


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