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 The worlds most exclusive small batch bourbon [giggles...]

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Puff Daddy
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PostSubject: The worlds most exclusive small batch bourbon [giggles...]   Wed Mar 18, 2015 10:18 am

Smile

 It is with great fanfare that we would like to announce the introduction of Gold Teaspoon Whiskey.

At Gold Teaspoon Whiskey we make all of our finest Bourbon from the smallest ridiculously tiny ultra super Small Batch.
We start with the finest miniature virgin corn grown in dollhouse farms located throughout the Midwest. These dollhouse farms are only brought outside to grow during the finest weather when the sun is shining and the wind is blowing at precisely 7 MPH from the North. When at its peak, the corn and other grain is picked then freshly flown by F-16s at supersonic speeds to the Louisville International Airport and choppered directly to the distillery for grinding in special diamond and gold rollers.
This is where the fun really starts when four retired Master Distillers and the Ghost of Elijah Craig sprinkle by hand just the right amount of grain into a one cup size apparatus with precisely the right amount of water to cook and ferment this one special cup. The water used is from the rain gutters at the former Stitzel Weller distillery and then triple filtered at George Washington’s Mount Vernon Distillery before shipped in armored railcars back to our distillery. Yeast we use is found in a mystical Indian cave nearby, then used to finish the product before it goes to distillation. This isn’t just any distillation but special hyper ultra distillation using a special Still made for us by a secretive Monk sect in the Himalayas.
Precisely one tablespoon of new make is put into the world’s smallest whiskey barrel certified by the Guinness Book of World Records.
The wood used for these miniature barrels is certified to have been the finest Super White Oak planted by Daniel Boone on his farm.
The precise part of the tree to be removed was detected using Doppler Radar and CAT Scan to be identified as the sweetest and best part of the tree. The worlds best surgeon from Johns Hopkins Hospital is flown in to remove this tree section. Then the finest craftsman from Colonial Williamsburg construct each and every miniature barrel where the new make is stored. During the process a special charring process is used that AH Hirsch himself developed.
These barrels were then put in a special miniature rickhouse on Lightning Hill so not only could they be aged in the best environment for making bourbon but also electrically charged by lightning constantly hitting it. We believe we are the only distillery currently using this lightning charging to help in our aging process. NASA scientists have developed a special lightning rod so the barrels will not explode into millions and millions of nasty bits.

We then get Willy Wonka’s Oompa Loompa’s on vacation to empty these barrels which the angels have reduced to 1 teaspoon after this painstaking aging process is complete.
The finished barrel proof Bourbon is non-chill filtered and shipped in a hermetically sealed gold plated teaspoon directly to your favorite liquor store overnight by Booze-Ex. We are sure that the low price of $300 a teaspoon is more than fair and you’ll agree that this is the best small batch teaspoon whiskey you’ve ever had in your life.
(Made in Indiana)

http://thebourbontruth.tumblr.com/post/110556113266/gold-teaspoon-whiskey-it-is-with-great-fanfare

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PostSubject: Re: The worlds most exclusive small batch bourbon [giggles...]   Wed Mar 18, 2015 3:54 pm

I've leveraged a controling interest in the company and in an effort to make this product available to the average Joe I've ordered the discontinuation of using gold spoons substituting Sterling Silver spoons in their place. After retooling for alternate packaging, retraining production staff, research & development, contracting an uber-upscale advertisement campaign, management reassignment and personally taking over the taste testing lab I'm pleased to announce the price per unit is now $475.99. Enjoy responsibly please.

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PostSubject: Re: The worlds most exclusive small batch bourbon [giggles...]   Wed Mar 18, 2015 5:11 pm

The original gold spoon release is presently fetching $850 on the black market since Global Teaspoon Conglomerates has abandoned the gold teaspoon iteration. No true teaspoon batch connoisseur could ever be seen sampling from a silver spoon. That stuff is for the blue collar drinker.

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