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 that's something my grandpa would've said...

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beebiz

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Age : 57
Location : McKenzie, Tennessee
Registration date : 2010-09-12

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 1:07 am

There's, "that poor guy couldn't tell his ass hole from a post hole!" And, "he's such a lousy shot... he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a bass fiddle!!!"
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mark
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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 12:43 pm

My fathers ,,,

tighter than the bark on a piss elm,,,

That came out slicker than shit through a goose

Boy, you're stupider than Hiram Slick from Pumpkin Crick

You do that again and I'll knock you down and kick you for falling

You ain't going nowhere, I got a load of postholes coming, hang around and unload them









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Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
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bluedigital

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Age : 47
Location : Cape Town, South Africa
Registration date : 2010-09-07

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 4:09 pm

What about "put that in your pipe and smoke it!" ... sorry couldn't resist . rabbit
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Doc Manhattan

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Age : 38
Location : Land of Steady Habits
Registration date : 2008-05-26

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 4:35 pm

mark wrote:
My fathers ,,,

tighter than the bark on a piss elm,,,

That came out slicker than shit through a goose

Boy, you're stupider than Hiram Slick from Pumpkin Crick

You do that again and I'll knock you down and kick you for falling

You ain't going nowhere, I got a load of postholes coming, hang around and unload them
Awesome.

One of my father's favorites when he eats somethin that disagrees... "It's going through me like Grant took Richmond!"
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flytyer

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Age : 51
Location : N E Pa.
Registration date : 2009-03-22

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 4:37 pm

these two have similar meaning:

You reap what you sow.

You made your bed..now sleep in it.

Heard this alot growing up:

We were so poor we didnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
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happypipester



Age : 26
Registration date : 2009-09-09

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 4:49 pm

A few favorites:

Well, if that don't uncurl the pig's tail!

If I had a broom up my @$$ I'd a' swept eighty acres!

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Hunter5117

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Age : 62
Location : Somewhere between Kansas and Missouri
Registration date : 2009-07-29

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:44 pm

An old-timer from Virginia that I used to work with would exclaim "That's as fine as frogs hair" whenever things worked out the way we planned them.

Another fellow, this one from Canada, if you asked if he wanted to go eat, would say "Yep, if you don't eat, you don't sh#t, and if you don't sh#t, you die"! Always made me laugh at that one.
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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:55 pm

Hunter5117 wrote:
"That's as fine as frogs hair" .

I think that's an old Andy Griffith one as well.
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Falconer

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Age : 66
Location : this side of Wichita
Registration date : 2010-06-12

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:10 pm

"pay no mind to him, he's small potatoes."

"she's as sweet as clover!"

"pure as a newborn calf."

"smooth as the underside of a goats tail."
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mark
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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:58 pm

Scarce as hens teeth

There ain't no hair on a bullfrogs ass,,,(blurted out loudly midst telling an off color joke when womenfolk or kids came within listening distance and the joke couldn't be continued)

Quicker than three shakes of a lambs tail

My greatgrandfather would say "Madder than a mule chewing bumblebees"


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Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
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Doc Manhattan

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Age : 38
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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 10:47 pm

I remember my Scoutmaster saying of something cheap: "That's deer nuts--under a buck!"
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Falconer

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Age : 66
Location : this side of Wichita
Registration date : 2010-06-12

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sat Sep 18, 2010 10:58 pm

Doc Manhattan wrote:
I remember my Scoutmaster saying of something cheap: "That's deer nuts--under a buck!"

that reminds me of the doe that came out of the woods shaking her head and saying "that's the last time I do that for 2 bucks!
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beebiz

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Age : 57
Location : McKenzie, Tennessee
Registration date : 2010-09-12

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 12:54 am

Grinnin' like a mule eatin' briars!

Shittin' like a tied coon!

I'm hungry enough to eat the ass end out of a jackass!

That smell would gag a maggot on a south-bound gut wagon!

Man... that stuff was slicker'n greased owl shit!

Who died and made you god?

You are so slow that I had to hold up a finger to make sure you were movin'!

That feller moves so slow that he's already been embalmed three times!

That thing's useless as tits on a boar hog!

The difference between me and a fool is the total distance between my feet and yours!

Around bedtime, if my brother or I asked what time it was, one of my parents would respond, "It's time all monkey tails were falling off! Ain't yours gettin' loose?"

If someone doesn't get an obvious joke or other thing, "Shoot low Sheriff... He's ridin' a Shetland (as in pony)!"

As a young boy, my mother used to tell me, "Remember... it may have taken God six days to create the Earth... but, it only takes a split second to ruin your whole life!"

She also used to say to us boys, "Boys... it only takes the time required for an eye to twinkle to earn a bad reputation... but, it takes a lifetime to live it down!"

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bruins

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Age : 48
Location : the heartland
Registration date : 2010-08-25

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:18 am

Piet Binsbergen wrote:
Reminds me,
What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper???
They both circumnavigate planet Uranus searching for Clingons!!!

Razz well hell, if we're going to go there: what did they find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise? the captain's log!

(that used to be fun to tell kids. now they don't know what you're talking about.)
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bruins

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Age : 48
Location : the heartland
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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:19 am

shootist51 wrote:
My grandmother always told me, "Sun shines on every dog's ass sooner or later"

heard a similar one (like your's better though), "even a blind dog gets a duck every once in awhile."
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bruins

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Age : 48
Location : the heartland
Registration date : 2010-08-25

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:21 am

Puff Daddy wrote:
All I can remember is "Shut up and keep mowing!! Damned kid!"

God I loved that man Laughing

ah! that's the best right there. that's awesome.

(sorry for all the multiple posts, as you can tell, i'm a day late catching up to all this great stuff.)
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bruins

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Age : 48
Location : the heartland
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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:24 am

happypipester wrote:
A few favorites:

If I had a broom up my @$$ I'd a' swept eighty acres!


i'm not sure what that means, but it's hilarious. does it mean you're old, or you've been on a long journey, or you like to dance, or your ass itches? maybe it's more fun not to know.
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bruins

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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:29 am

beebiz wrote:


You are so slow that I had to hold up a finger to make sure you were movin'!

lots of good ones beebiz. this one's my favorite. for sure i'm going to use it. i live in a house with three women. i spend half my life waiting by the front door.

i better stop posting on this thread for awhile. Nice joke falconer. 2 bucks! ha! (rutting has started. i can hear the bucks in the woods in the morning. they sound like dinosaurs.)
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acaciavet

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Age : 68
Location : Shores of Lake Ontario
Registration date : 2010-02-04

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:58 am

My Granfather was a great man and he was a salty man.

He would say
"He is as useless as tits on a bore hog"

" Its colder then a well diggers back side"


Cheers all
Chuck
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beebiz

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Age : 57
Location : McKenzie, Tennessee
Registration date : 2010-09-12

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 12:23 pm

That reminds me, Chuck... "It's colder than a witches tit in a brass bra, in a snow drift, in the Klondike, in the middle of winter!" Now... that's cold!!!

"You know how to keep an idiot in suspense?" .......... "I'll tell you later!"

"Boy... you're so dang bright... I'd bet your pappy called you son/sun!"

"If they rolled your brain down the sharp edge of a razor blade, it would look like a BB rolling down an eight lane highway!"

"You may have a memory like an elephant... but, it's as about as accurate as a busted clock!"

"You ladies move so slow that I'd bet you'll be late for your own funerals!"

"She's finer than a frog hair split four ways... couldn't get no better if she had to... couldn't stand it if she did!"

"She's prettier than a pig in shit!"

"Around here... I'm top hog at this trough!"



I love these!!! You gentlemen have done a fantastic job!!!!! Wink

Robert
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bruins

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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 12:41 pm

i can't believe i forgot to include my father-in-law's most beautiful, lyrical utterance. it went immediately into the hall of fame. so we were sitting at a wedding reception, and a pretty woman walked by. he watched her walk on past and he turned to me and said:

"As long as i have a face, she has a place to sit."

god damn, that was funny. i love that guy.
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beebiz

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Age : 57
Location : McKenzie, Tennessee
Registration date : 2010-09-12

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 1:15 pm

Oh my word, Bruins! You just had to go there, didn't you? lol!

In response to a woman's insult that a man's penis is too small, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. But, it is impossible to expect one, single star to fill the void of an entire galaxy!" Or, "It's impossible for a single bolder to plug the grand canyon!"

"When it comes to sex, that girl's like a doorknob... everyone's taken a turn!"
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Falconer

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Age : 66
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PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 1:18 pm

Straight as an Oklahoma Preacher.

Flat as a Kansas county.

Sharp as a Keen Kutter.
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Hermit

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Age : 64
Location : Ascension Parish
Registration date : 2008-04-22

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 1:54 pm

On the HBO show Treme'
John Goodman's character
was fond of saying:
"Cooler than a cucumber up an Archbishop's ass."
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happypipester



Age : 26
Registration date : 2009-09-09

PostSubject: Re: that's something my grandpa would've said...   Sun Sep 19, 2010 6:44 pm

Lol, I'm loving this thread more and more every time I check it.

Actually, my grandpa used to say that. He was a farmer as soon as he could milk a cow and ride a horse (his dad preferred to hunt and drink, usually not at the same time lol), and the homestead was about 80 acres, so if he had a broom up his a$$ he woulda swept 80 acres lol.
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